The Dwindling Days

I have 2 more days with my babies, and 3 with most of my afternoon kids.

W. o. w.
How long have I been talking about this?  Feeling this?  Long time, long enough to know that it shouldn't be a surprise that I'm about to say goodbye to my kids, but as the time creeps closer and closer I'm sad about it.

I said goodbye to my 2 girls last night, and it sucked.  I came back sullen to my apartment and just laid on my bed staring up at the ceiling until tears came.  Shortly after that I was rescued by a friend wanting to go for dinner, saving me from being sulky and sniffly all night.  I woke up happy and glad to spend the day with my kids, but that farewell hangs over every "this is the last time I'm gonna" that I go through in a day.  Tonight Ana, the mom of my sleepover Sandy came over to pick up a couple things I had for the girls, and she was crying when she said goodbye and left, which left me crying again when I closed the door.  I hate goodbyes.

Goodbye is the farthest thing from easy.
Tensions are running high at work these days between the overstressed and overstretched Korean management and the teachers (particularly those of us who are leaving).  There is much crankiness, and a lot of the parts of working with and for someone from a different culture (for us and our Korean counterparts) are being taken personally and made into things much bigger than they truly are.  I'm sad that things are ending on more of a rough note for the school; I've loved my job there this year and hope that in the last few days everyone can just relax a little, unwind and enjoy the little time we have left together. 

Kids are coming up to me in a constant stream through the day (because my boss has yet to tell everyone which teachers are leaving next week) to ask me if I will be their teacher next week... I hate seeing their little faces get all scrunched up when I explain that I'm actually leaving the school after Monday and they'll have a new exciting teacher coming... it's not fair to have to deliver that message over and over and over again because boss doesn't want the moms to be upset about us going: HELLO, they're GOING to find out on their owwwwwwwn even if you don't tell them!!  Grr....

I hate goodbyes.  I don't care that they're inevitable and that they're a 'normal' part of life.  I hate them.  My Grandad always used to say "never say goodbye, just say see you soon, or talk to you later," but sometimes you really do say goodbye in life... perhaps it's goodbye with an I hope to see you again someday, but it's still a goodbye in case I don't ever get to see you again.  Once upon a time in Korea leaving only meant 'see you later' because part of me knew that I'd be back.  This time, it's different.

Some people I'm not going to be able to see before I leave because I've waited too long, and not everyone is where I am.  Others I've already had the chance to say that last goodbye, even if it was early by my schedule, knowing that they were going to be gone when it was time for me to leave and they won't be returning until I've already gone.  Didn't make it better, or easier.  Just longer.

Friday night I have to say goodbye to my friend of 4 years and hope that we'll cross paths again when she comes back to Canada... Saturday afternoon I'm going for lunch so I can say goodbye to all of my young Korean-teacher friends (the ones I still work with and the ones that have come and gone over the year, I am still friends with them), and then Saturday night I'm saying goodbye to the girls in Seoul that I've been hanging out with at random dancing and drinking weekends... they aren't all close friends, but they are still people I'm going to miss who are part of times I am going to miss... Sunday morning I have another goodbye brunch with a mom and daughter I've been friends with since my 2006 job... Monday all day I say goodbye to all of my kids, 40 little faces that have changed my life.

Goodbye.  Goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye and more goodbye...

Yuck.